From the Khaz Modan Cheese of the Month Club: A New Year’s Guide to Azerothian Cheese
Happy New Year, from the Khaz Modan Cheese of the Month Club!
Many of you are waking up on this first day of the new year with a hangover, not sure how you ended up sprawled across that table in the tavern, and trying to recall where your boots walked off to on their own. Or, as we call this in Ironforge, it’s Saturday. To help you get yourselves together and get the new year started with a wee bit of organization and some bloody clue as to what you’re doing, the Khaz Modan Cheese of the Month Club offers this handy guide to Azerothian cheese. The truth is, you’ll make a fool of yourself more than just a few times this year… you may as well not make a fool of yourself when it comes to cheese.
May you find everything you seek in the coming year… as long as you aren’t seeking anything that sells us out to the Burning Legion, gets us overrun by the undead, lures insane dragons to our city gates, or sets any bloody Old Gods loose.
— Fizzy Stouthammer, spokesdwarf for the Khaz Modan Cheese of the Month Club
The Khaz Modan Cheese of the Month Club 2011 Guide to Azerothian Cheese
Aged Dalaran Limburger: Officially, you shouldn’t be eating this cheese. Ranid Glowergold always seems to be running out of it, and there’s a reward for taking some to him that you can spend on something more appetizing. Unofficially, I can tell you it’s a rather smooth cheese, fine for spreading on bread, but the smell takes some getting used to.
Aged Dalaran Sharp: Make this easy on yourself. Go down to the Dalaran sewers, stick your head in the water, and wait for something floating around in that “magical stew” to bite you with more teeth than any un-mutated creature should have. It’s the same experience as eating this cheese. Some folks might like that sort of thing.
Alterac Swiss: Not at all bad for a human cheese. In fact, it’ll get you through in a pinch if you’ve run out of Dwarven Mild.
Boulderslide Cheese: This cheese is still be researched by the Khaz Modan Cheese of the Month Club, but I’ll be straight with you… I’m not holding out a bloody lot of hope when it comes to kobold cheese.
Briny Hardcheese: This is not a cheese for everyone. It seems fair to warn those who’ve never come across it before that it’s briny and hard. If you don’t have a problem with the taste of seawater and no trouble digesting rocks, you might not mind it. It’s not quite that difficult to handle. Might seem close to those with sensitive digestive systems, I suppose.
Dalaran Sharp: This cheese is a decent alternative to Aged Dalaran Sharp. It’s merely the culinary equivalent of getting hit in the tongue with an arcane missile. A rather weak arcane missile, at that. Tickles a wee bit after the first couple of bites.
Dalaran Swiss: If Dalaran Sharp is a bit too sharp for yourself, I suggest trying Dalaran Swiss instead. It’s a wee bit stronger than Alterac Swiss, but much milder than Dalaran Sharp. Personally, I suspect some alchemist somewhere is just transmuting Dalaran Sharp and Alterac Swiss into Dalaran Swiss.
Darnassian Bleu: This is an elf cheese. I suppose that’s fine, if you’re partial to that sort of thing.
Dwarven Mild: There is no cheese in all of Azeroth finer than Dwarven Mild! Nothing says, “You’re a fine woman, Fizzy, and a joy to see … not to mention a learned scholar and great engineer! I respect and admire your fondness for bears!” like a gift of Dwarven Mild. If the Holy Light were a cheese, it would be Dwarven Mild. Dwarven Mild can mend a broken heart and bring peace to a tormented mind. I’ve been told demons can’t digest it. I think the reasons are obvious.
Fine Aged Cheddar: Suspected to be Dwarven Mild that the Wildhammer Clan took with them during the War of the Three Hammers, which would make it Very Bloody Old Dwarven Mild. The Wildhammer’s are neither confirming or denying this, though. In fact, they just give myself strange looks when I ask them about it. At any rate, it’s a fine cheese!
Garadar Sharp: This cheese has been imported to Azeroth from Draenor by the orcs. If you like sharp cheeses, this one has a slightly exotic flavor… but not so exotic as to be mistaken for something a troll cooked up. I’d rate it above Dalaran Sharp.
Gilnean White: To be honest, this cheese is not exactly the most exciting thing to come from behind the Greymane Wall. I mean no disrespect to our Gilnean allies, and I’ll thank you to not rip my throat out with your claws. Or teeth. I’ve got nothing against Gilneans. Some of my best friends are animals! And sometimes a person finds themself wanting something not too exciting to dine on. Maybe you’ve got an upset stomach, or maybe you’ve just had more excitment in one day than you can properly handle. For those times when you just don’t want to taste your food but aren’t desperate enough to chew on parchment or leaves, Gilnean White is nourishing and filling without being much to think about. At all.
Highland Sheep Cheese: This cheese is much like the Wildhammers themselves… strong, firm and dense, with a hard outer crust I don’t advise you try to eat, and a distinct flavor.
Holiday Cheese Wheel: It doesn’t really matter if you like this cheese or not… stock up on it when Winter Veil comes around! The bloody Smokeywood Pastures goblins keep it locked up for most of a year!
Mag’har Mild Cheese: Another import from Draenor, Mag’har Mild is an alternative to Garadar Sharp if that one’s got a bit too much bite for you. Mag’har Mild retains the exotic flavor, but goes down a bit easier.
Salted Yeti Cheese: The women of Brunnhildar Village share this cheese among themselves. If you can get into their village, you can sometimes get some of it for yourself. I don’t suppose it’s really necessary to explain just how strong this cheese is. Just think about it… Salted… Yeti Cheese. From the women of Brunnhildar Village. It’s one of the better cheese you can find, but it’ll knock you down as hard as a Dark Iron getting hit with Brewfest mugs if you aren’t stronger than the cheese.
Smoked String Cheese: A newer variety being offered, this cheese is very convenient for travel. The wee sticks of cheese don’t take up all that much space in a traveler’s bags, and they’re very convenient for sharing with others. The Trias Cheese Shop in Stormwind is a nice spot to pick some up before heading out of the city.
Sour Goat Cheese: I don’t eat this cheese often, myself. Serhilde likes it, though, and she’s a fairly picky bear… so I suppose this is a fine cheese to have around if you need something to feed to bears. Which I always do.
Spiced Onion Cheese: Your best chance of finding this cheese is during Brewfest! Like most Brewfest foods and drinks, it’s a wee bit of a gamble but mostly worth it.
Stormwind Brie: The Khaz Modan Cheese of the Month Club has only once named this culinary monstrosity as the Cheese of the Month, and it was more as a nod to Elling Trias for having a cheese shop in Stormwind than out of any true respect for the… block of cheese horror. This is the Scourge of cheese! If cheese could be undead, Stormwind Brie is exactly what it would rise from the grave as! I cannot advocate putting this in your mouth. Or anyone else’s mouth.
Stromgarde Muenster: The cheese itself is tasty enough, but the interesting thing is the mystery surrounding it. I attempted to solve this mystery once, but have yet uncover necessary clues. It seems you can only find this cheese two ways. If you’re helping the Bronze Dragon Flight and they send you off into the Caverns of Time, this cheese can be found years ago in the Hillsbrad Foothills, around the Southshore and Tarren Mill area. It can also be found in the Outlands… what remains of Draenor. I have yet to determine whether it was carried there by the Sons of Lothar, or if the Forsaken confiscated all the Stromgarde Muenster in the area when they took over Tarren Mill and then moved it to the Outlands when the Dark Portal was reopened.
Westfall Cottage Cheese: I cannot find any evidence of the existence of this cheese, and have determined it was most likely just some dumb thing some drunken idiot human said once. However, it doesn’t sound appealing at all, and if it ever did exist I suppose that might explain a lot about what went so bad in Westfall.
All cheeses were reviewd by Fizzy Stouthammer. While these are the official reviews of the Khaz Modan Cheese of the Month Club as a whole, individual members opinions of various cheeses are still subject to personal preference and mutated sense of taste.